isn’t it always the case that when you’re about to get what you ask for, you feel completely terrified?  this has happened to me recently.  i’ve been praying for a lot of things the last year.  concentrated, meditative prayers.  they started as mini moon rituals.  on the nights of full moons and new moons, i would set up these lavish alters of desires, prayers and wishes.  good health, good fortune for my loved ones, family and partnership.  all depicted with ornate trays filled with pictures and flowers, candles and lentils.

but as a writer, my pen and words have always offered me more clarity than my visual creations.  so i began to write out prayers.  when i needed a job to help pay my bills, i set out 6 criteria for my ideal job.  i put the paper with the prayer on it, written in green marker for prosperity, on my kitchen counter with a lit green candle (the tall kind in a glass cylinder you get at the drug store for 99 cents).  i kept a green candle lit until the prayer came true.  it took 3 weeks.  but i got it.  every single criterion met.  that job made sure i got to finish my album on time.  ever grateful.

then i decided i needed a good man in my life.  this list became a little longer.  27 criteria.  see for yourself…

Dear God, Goddess and the Higher Self:

Please hear my prayer as I set forth the intention to bring into my life a love so compelling that I can only surrender to it joyfully.

He should be all that you see as healing and loving in my life and…

loving

kind

generous

smart & sharp

funny

compassionate

conscious

enjoy travel

handsome

wealthy/abundant

talented

artistic

philanthropic

a family man

passionate

risk taker

non traditional

supportive of my dreams and desires

tall and good physique

we should be life partners

best friends

passionately attracted to each other

have witty banter

joyful

romantic

protective

committed

I send this prayer to you with an open heart ready to receive.

SO BE IT.   SO IT IS.   AMEN.

it is taking me a little bit longer to manifest this person into my life.  but i got to wondering…what if he’s right in front of me and i’m too afraid to admit it?

you can ask for a person who is committed.  but then when they tell you, “i want to be with you no matter what,” you freak out don’t you?  you can ask for a person who wants to have a family with you.  but then when he shows up saying, great, let’s get pregnant, you think, “are you crazy?!?”  you’ve spent your entire adult life thus far making sure that very thing did not happen!  so when do you get ready to take that leap and go for the dreams that will turn your world upside down and that you know will make you blissful?

work and career have always been easier for me to surrender to.  if you ask my astrologer, it’s got something to do with my 4^th and 11^th houses and various planets that will forever fuel my career and needle my love life.  if you ask me, it’s because surrendering to my career means playfulness and risk, but not of the soul.  work is work.  career is career.  there is always another goal, another set back…you can pretty much guarantee that.  in the meantime, it’s good to have fun along the way seeing how much you can create.

but with relationship…playfulness gets lost in the muck.  i’m always wondering “what if?”  what if something bad happens?  what if there’s someone better?  what if i come to depend on someone and then at some time i have to unlearn this?

but watching my experiences more closely, i have come to this realization.  it’s the things that we fear the most that can actually offer the most growth.  and overcoming those fears can actually offer bliss.  imagine that.  a blissful life. 

i wonder about this transition into surrendering to the very dreams, the very ones that i long for, that will turn my life from enjoyable to ecstatic.  what is it that will help take all my fears away or at least keep them at bay so that i can step through them? 

perhaps i’ve had the answer all along for me.  with a blue pen and a white candle for serenity, perhaps i’ll write out a prayer that asks for freedom from the grips of this lowly fear.  in the meantime, if you’re the man that i’ve already met or will meet down the road and i fail to recognize you for who you are supposed to be in my life, forgive me.  have patience.  i’m working on my prayer and my surrender.

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these days, i’ve been feeling a bit like forest gump.  the past couple of weeks of adventures have been surreal.  when mtv decided to come to the wildflower video shoot, i thought, wow…this is bizarre.  when i got to sing the anthem for a pro game, i thought, hmmmm…i feel pretty lucky.  and then last night…

last night, lakshmi and i danced at royce hall (ROYCE HALL!!!) and met a very special man. everyone in that packed house came to honor a very special man.  his name is b.k.s. iyengar.  also known as guruji to those who are his yoga disciples. 

he is in his 80s and has complete freedom in his body.  i saw the power of yoga when i was lucky enough to meet him.  when he came back stage.  lakshmi and i fell to his feet and were touched when he offered his blessings to us. 

we waited for the invocation prayer to complete and then the spotlight lit us from above as we began our piece on ganesha (ganapathi), the remover of all obstacles.  we had so much fun as we have been dancing together for 10 years and at this point can sense each other even when we are not in each other’s sight line.  it’s a pretty amazing experience to have that much synchronicity with someone.

in the middle of annette benning’s interview of guruji, the fire alarm went off and everybody had to file out of royce.  when we were in the loading dock area, guruji came to lakshmi and myself and said in tamil, "you did very well, but can i give you one piece of constructive criticism."  i replied in tamil, "of course sir.  please tell us."  then he looked at me and said, "you have good rhythm in your feet and hands.  it’s all good.  the expression in the face; it’s good too.  but the expression in your knees, this you have to work on."

in bharatanatyam, the default dance position is in plie and me being so tall, i’ve always struggled to look as though i’m in a deep enough plie.  and when he said that, i got a huge smile on my face as even now i struggle with this element and he picked up on it.    technical discussion aside, i was completely moved to get this gentle feedback from a man who talked to me with so much love and light in his heart.  it was absolutely touching. 

my yoga teacher, Shiva Rea, has said, "the yogini is a woman whose body has become her temple, her source of discovery and renewal, the place of remembering her life force."  so much of my life has centered on my knowing my body and the lessons i’ve learned have been invaluable. 

guruji said on wednesday night that pain is a great teacher.  both in body and in spirit.  i have definitely felt that.  it’s in the toughest moments you take the time to reflect, to unravel your misguided belief systems.  it was a lovely reminder to not be afraid of the pain or to wish it away as it comes bearing tremendous gifts if we can trust enough to sit with it.

and since i’m on the topic of who said what recently, a friend of mine just sent me this quote from george carlin, "they keep talking about drafting a constitution for iraq. why don’t we just give them ours? it was written by a lot of real smart guys, it’s worked for over 200 years, and we’re not using it anymore."

i like that one.

we shot the video for here and now last weekend and it’s going to be fantastic.  directed by tony tharae, the video will have all kinds of cgi (computer-generated imagery) in it and i’m excited to see the final product.  by the way, wildflower world is premiering this sunday.  more soon.

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i spent the day at home.  puttering around the house.  working.  sleeping.  it’s been a bit of time since i last wrote…mostly because it’s been so unbelievably busy on this end. 

since mid september until now, we have shot 2 music videos (wildflower world and here and now), i’ve gigged in phoenix, sang the anthem in front of 12,000 hockey fans at the mighty ducks vs. l.a. kings game, interviewed with mtv desi, gigged at the ford amphitheatre for the WIN awards, and generally realized that when it rains…and in this case, the rains were a serious blessing.

tonight, i was watching an interview of one of my inspirations, a.r. rahman.  he said something that had me pause.  when asked how he dealt with criticism, mr. rahman replied, "if you don’t want to hear criticism, don’t ever listen to anyone and don’t ever be anything." 

whenever you try something new and seemingly outside the box, there will be a long line of people ready to tell you when and how you fuck up.  it’s one of the tough things about being "different."  mostly folks feel the need to share because of whatever’s going on in their own lives.  so i’ve learned (slowly) not to take it personally.  sometimes it’s easier than other times.  but i like this quote of rahman ji’s. 

since too many things have happened, i’m uploading a bunch of photos.  1000 words, right? 

i do want to say though that i when i was a kid in cleveland, being brown skinned wasn’t the easiest thing.  not too surprising i’m sure.  i remember one time being followed in a mall by an older caucasian woman and her 30-some year old daughter.  i was with my mom, my aunt and my cousin.  the woman followed us for a solid 5 minutes before she finally shouted out, "go back to your own country."

those moments can live in you no matter how sure and confident you think you’ve become.  i remembered that on friday night after i sang the anthem at the anaheim pond in front of 12,000 screaming fans.  just as much my country as it is yours.  i’m just glad i got to have a voice friday night. 

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last night i stayed home and had a date with music.  aside from an interview with soundtheory for radiophive, i sat with my guitar.  i’ve heard artists say that the life of a musician can be a lonely one, but i rather like the quiet times.  perhaps that’s a crucial part of being an artist – to be able to relish the solitude.  i ran across a quote i added to my dream book that should explain it all – "i’m never alone when i write."

at 6pm yesterday evening, i stood upon a soccer field with two women’s college soccer teams.  and for 1 and 1/2 minutes, there was complete silence except for me singing the national anthem.  a friend of mine told me "just don’t forget the words.  cuz it’s not a song.  it’s a poem about bombs and war and it just doesn’t make sense."  yeah, that may be, but then over 200+ years, we’ve attached so much meaning and emotion to the song.  i have never experienced reverence for a song coming through my voice.  it was humbling.

it gets me thinking about my role as a patriot.  perhaps that’s a discussion for another day.  i have been added to the circuit of anthem singers here in LA and recently was invited to sing for the mighty ducks v. l.a. kings national hockey game on september 30 here at the arrowhead pond.  i never expected to find myself in this role.  i’ve been remembering a lot of what a college professor once said in lecture – the utmost patriot is one that challenges its country and government in an effort to demand the highest ideals.  whether i’m ready or not, apathy is slowly losing its dark corner in my heart.

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i am not a very happy lady right now.  i am still on east coast time, but i’m back home in california.  i got up at 6:43am.  could not go back to sleep and now my eyes are burning a bit.  ay!

it’s been an interesting few months with a "debut album."  i am anxious to tour and get the word out.  i’m in production for my first two videos.  and this past weekend, i got a review by a british fellow named jon leonard.  his site is called leonard’s lair and he publishes reviews of 5 albums a week.  and while he had some good things to say about rock candy, he also mentioned that i’m someone to watch for in the future.

well…i thought, why aren’t i want to watch for now?  isn’t that funny!  in an instant, i had taken a very lovely sentiment and turned it around to fan my insecurities that i try so hard to keep under the surface.  but they’re there, simmering, just waiting for the chance to burn me even if only a bit.

when i sent the review link to jay (co producer), he said that he too was interested in seeing what i do next.  and i remember a reporter from east west woman asking me two weeks after the album was released if i had already started thinking about my next album because so many artists she interviews do that.

no.  actually, i hadn’t.  but maybe i should.  albums from conception to completion can take over a year.  with that thought and a few times hearing folks wonder about my creative future, i sat down last week and asked myself where do i want the music to take me and you in the next album?

there are no light bulbs going on in my head.  no sudden strikes of genius leading me to my next vision.  but i can start to hear the little voices offering suggestions, "what about this?  write about that?".  and i keep letting those voices know…i’m excited to tour with rock candy, but i promise to start thinking about album #2 during the quiet moments.  i just hope they aren’t always at 6:43 in the morning.

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on august 22, my nephew was born.  i am officially an aunty!  and officially under the spell of this little one.  the call came at 11pm california time.  "hi, she’s in labor."  she’s in labor?!?  i jumped out of bed excited and for a split second was disappointed.  i was supposed to be there.  i bought a ticket to be there 10 days before his due date.  he decided to come 3 weeks early.  bummer. 

by the time i got on a plane, my nephew was a full 36 hours old.  i hopped on tuesday night’s redeye to cleveland.  my brother and mom picked me up in his suv with the infant seat turned backwards in the back.  in an instant, life had changed. 

i came to my brother and gave him a big hug and said, "hi dad!"  he smiled, hugged me back and put my suitcases in the car.  when we got to the hospital, baby sheik was in him mom’s arms and i went to greet them both.  i had never carried a child two days old.  it’s an incredible feeling.  exhilirated to meet him, scared he might slip through my hands, in peace that such a gift has blessed our family.  we must have done something right in a past life to deserve him.

i am here in my brother and sister-in-law’s home.  it’s suburbia and i am helping them get accustomed to their new life as parents.  today i thought…with me helping, it’s like the blind leading the blind.  i don’t know the first thing about taking care of babies.  but i tell you something, you sure do learn fast! 

in the beginning, there’s a simplicity to life.  basic survival needs.  food, water, comfort, love.  these are things i can lend a hand to.  i helped bathe him tonight.  i can change him, feed him, dress him.  but most of all, i know how to kiss him 100 times.  i hope he can feel all that love. 

priorities have been changing for me these past months since artwallah’s completed.  i have felt myself centering more on family and friends.  as hard as i can work, i’ve made a conscious decision to take time out of my days to return home.  quiet dinners, long conversations, singing softly to my nephew in his ear.  i was in heaven. 

music has a new meaning in my life.  there is a sweetness to it once again, an innocence.  it is so easy to get caught up in the business and to lose sight of the reason we love music in the beginning.  it brings us joy.  i saw that in him tonight. 

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it’s been a while since i’ve had time to take afternoon naps and enjoy a slower pace of life.  after artwallah, i jumped right into summer season of dance and it just ended last saturday.  so the last 7 days, i’ve pretty much spent my time eating, sleeping, and playing my guitar.

the last two nights, i had gigs.  one at harvelle’s and one at the talking stick.  i’m back to my roots.  small, intimate rooms with just my guitar.  only this time, i know i’m prepping for my 10 city tour in the new year and i have a cd to sell.

tonight it’s friday night.  i have a glass of wine by me.  midieval punditz playing on my computer.  and i’m trying to figure out some RSS feature that a friend asked me to add to this blog.  i first had to google what RSS meant.  turns out, it means that everytime i post a new entry, any of the subscribers would get an email letting them know that i posted.  i tried to figure out how to do it.  i’ve gotten as far as getting the link, "subscribe to this feed," on my site.  beyond that, it doesn’t work.  it’s a slow friday night folks…

i’m going to grab my guitar and work on the raitt song and maybe even try my hand at writing a new one.  i hope you are well tonight.  i’m thinking of you lots.

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it’s one of the most beautiful songs ever written in my opinion.  there are two versions of the song – both equally mezmerizing.  bonnie raitt and george michael.  now i’m working on adding it to my set.  gotta learn the chords first.  i am loving the challenge.

tonight i got my first night of booking.  my gig coming up in september 17 at kavadume (virtual world cafe) is going to be made up of artists i’m lucky enough to know and are in town to play.  ananda sen is joining me for the night.  phenomenal r&b/soul singer.  i will keep you posted on who else is joining that night.

i get back from cleveland september 16, the night before my gig, after i greet my new nephew who hopefully will make his appearance while i’m still in cleveland and not on the night i have a gig at palmers!  today he gave his mommy and daddy a bit of a scare because he didn’t move around for a bit.  turns out when the baby gets bigger there ain’t a lot of room so they chill a lot.  i told my sister-in-law that she’s got a fat, lazy baby in there!  it helped her laugh and chill a bit herself. 

i’ve spent the last couple of nights working on my dream journal.  i go through tons of magazines and cut out pics that provoke an emotion in me and then make collages in this giant red book of mine.  you can know a lot about me if you flipped through that book.  i’m even getting to know myself better.  try it out.  it’s like you’re back in first grade with a pair of scissors, some elmer’s glue and some magazines.  remarkably, it’s a way into your mind and soul. 

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this past weekend, i had two dance shows.  for a week, we rehearsed from 6-11pm every night.  it was absolutely exhausting and my body is aching all over.  last night was our show in escondido.  i drove the bus of the 12 of us back home at midnight.  it felt good to be able to do that for my second family while they gently slept all the way back to the valley.  i sat back and reflected about the night…

at one point in the middle of the performance, i looked up and saw all of the lights above.  a pink light in particular caught my eye and for a brief moment, i found myself outside of my body having this thought: i have literally grown up on stage.

since the time i can remember, i have been rehearsing or performing for something or another.  and it only occurred to me last night that maybe this is not everyone’s experience.  maybe there are a whole lot of people who have never been backstage putting make-up on in front of a mirror with hot light bulbs blazing.  maybe there are folks who’ve never had to strip down on the side of the stage to make a 45 second costume change with the tech guys politely turning their heads and your fellow dancers frantically tucking things and wrapping you in costumes while you can feel the sweat running down your body.  maybe some have never had the experience of staring into a black as night theater exposed and open in heart and mind.

my body is aching today and i recognize that i’m not invincible.  one day, my skin and flesh will tell me it’s had enough of the plie and the stomping on the souls of my feet.  but i tell you, i am having a blast in the meantime! 

i would not trade one moment of the last 20+ years of dance in my life.  there is not another thing in my life that i’ve experienced that has given me the kind of high from dancing with abandon.  not drugs, not sex, not even a first kiss with a new beau.

the night before the escondido show, we played "secret," which is the indian version of truth or dare.  wow!  a few dancers from india were with us and i wasn’t prepared to hear the things i did.  but i am moved that i did. 

all of our secrets were raw and human and gave us an intimacy that we’ve just missed over the years.  when we danced saturday night, we had a new type of intimacy on stage.  not just one of bodies knowing each other for the past 6 years.  but an intimacy of the mind and of the heart. 

if you get a chance…if you find someone who is willing to enter your trust circle, tell them a secret and listen to theirs.  then stand back and watch what happens.  you may find you feel like dancing with them.

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we just added another station spinning tracks from rock candy.

for those of you in the bay area, please tune into 96.1 fm ksqq tonight for the imaginasian radio program.  the show’s from 6-8pm and my live interview is at 7:30pm. 

for those of you not in the bay area, you can stream the show live from the website too! 

thanks!

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