isn’t it always the case that when you’re about to get what you ask for, you feel completely terrified?  this has happened to me recently.  i’ve been praying for a lot of things the last year.  concentrated, meditative prayers.  they started as mini moon rituals.  on the nights of full moons and new moons, i would set up these lavish alters of desires, prayers and wishes.  good health, good fortune for my loved ones, family and partnership.  all depicted with ornate trays filled with pictures and flowers, candles and lentils.

but as a writer, my pen and words have always offered me more clarity than my visual creations.  so i began to write out prayers.  when i needed a job to help pay my bills, i set out 6 criteria for my ideal job.  i put the paper with the prayer on it, written in green marker for prosperity, on my kitchen counter with a lit green candle (the tall kind in a glass cylinder you get at the drug store for 99 cents).  i kept a green candle lit until the prayer came true.  it took 3 weeks.  but i got it.  every single criterion met.  that job made sure i got to finish my album on time.  ever grateful.

then i decided i needed a good man in my life.  this list became a little longer.  27 criteria.  see for yourself…

Dear God, Goddess and the Higher Self:

Please hear my prayer as I set forth the intention to bring into my life a love so compelling that I can only surrender to it joyfully.

He should be all that you see as healing and loving in my life and…

loving

kind

generous

smart & sharp

funny

compassionate

conscious

enjoy travel

handsome

wealthy/abundant

talented

artistic

philanthropic

a family man

passionate

risk taker

non traditional

supportive of my dreams and desires

tall and good physique

we should be life partners

best friends

passionately attracted to each other

have witty banter

joyful

romantic

protective

committed

I send this prayer to you with an open heart ready to receive.

SO BE IT.   SO IT IS.   AMEN.

it is taking me a little bit longer to manifest this person into my life.  but i got to wondering…what if he’s right in front of me and i’m too afraid to admit it?

you can ask for a person who is committed.  but then when they tell you, “i want to be with you no matter what,” you freak out don’t you?  you can ask for a person who wants to have a family with you.  but then when he shows up saying, great, let’s get pregnant, you think, “are you crazy?!?”  you’ve spent your entire adult life thus far making sure that very thing did not happen!  so when do you get ready to take that leap and go for the dreams that will turn your world upside down and that you know will make you blissful?

work and career have always been easier for me to surrender to.  if you ask my astrologer, it’s got something to do with my 4^th and 11^th houses and various planets that will forever fuel my career and needle my love life.  if you ask me, it’s because surrendering to my career means playfulness and risk, but not of the soul.  work is work.  career is career.  there is always another goal, another set back…you can pretty much guarantee that.  in the meantime, it’s good to have fun along the way seeing how much you can create.

but with relationship…playfulness gets lost in the muck.  i’m always wondering “what if?”  what if something bad happens?  what if there’s someone better?  what if i come to depend on someone and then at some time i have to unlearn this?

but watching my experiences more closely, i have come to this realization.  it’s the things that we fear the most that can actually offer the most growth.  and overcoming those fears can actually offer bliss.  imagine that.  a blissful life. 

i wonder about this transition into surrendering to the very dreams, the very ones that i long for, that will turn my life from enjoyable to ecstatic.  what is it that will help take all my fears away or at least keep them at bay so that i can step through them? 

perhaps i’ve had the answer all along for me.  with a blue pen and a white candle for serenity, perhaps i’ll write out a prayer that asks for freedom from the grips of this lowly fear.  in the meantime, if you’re the man that i’ve already met or will meet down the road and i fail to recognize you for who you are supposed to be in my life, forgive me.  have patience.  i’m working on my prayer and my surrender.

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