i can’t tell you what time it is.  it may be that we’re supposed to fall back.  it’s likely pretty late.  i just finished watching born into brothels.  needless to say, there was a reason it won an academy award.  a compelling and touching film.  if you haven’t had a chance to watch it yet, rent it.  netflix it.  do whatever you need to do to see it. 

you will be moved.  you will be moved to do something.  give in a way you didn’t realize you could.  at least that is what i think.  i would love to hear what you think. 

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isn’t it always the case that when you’re about to get what you ask for, you feel completely terrified?  this has happened to me recently.  i’ve been praying for a lot of things the last year.  concentrated, meditative prayers.  they started as mini moon rituals.  on the nights of full moons and new moons, i would set up these lavish alters of desires, prayers and wishes.  good health, good fortune for my loved ones, family and partnership.  all depicted with ornate trays filled with pictures and flowers, candles and lentils.

but as a writer, my pen and words have always offered me more clarity than my visual creations.  so i began to write out prayers.  when i needed a job to help pay my bills, i set out 6 criteria for my ideal job.  i put the paper with the prayer on it, written in green marker for prosperity, on my kitchen counter with a lit green candle (the tall kind in a glass cylinder you get at the drug store for 99 cents).  i kept a green candle lit until the prayer came true.  it took 3 weeks.  but i got it.  every single criterion met.  that job made sure i got to finish my album on time.  ever grateful.

then i decided i needed a good man in my life.  this list became a little longer.  27 criteria.  see for yourself…

Dear God, Goddess and the Higher Self:

Please hear my prayer as I set forth the intention to bring into my life a love so compelling that I can only surrender to it joyfully.

He should be all that you see as healing and loving in my life and…

loving

kind

generous

smart & sharp

funny

compassionate

conscious

enjoy travel

handsome

wealthy/abundant

talented

artistic

philanthropic

a family man

passionate

risk taker

non traditional

supportive of my dreams and desires

tall and good physique

we should be life partners

best friends

passionately attracted to each other

have witty banter

joyful

romantic

protective

committed

I send this prayer to you with an open heart ready to receive.

SO BE IT.   SO IT IS.   AMEN.

it is taking me a little bit longer to manifest this person into my life.  but i got to wondering…what if he’s right in front of me and i’m too afraid to admit it?

you can ask for a person who is committed.  but then when they tell you, “i want to be with you no matter what,” you freak out don’t you?  you can ask for a person who wants to have a family with you.  but then when he shows up saying, great, let’s get pregnant, you think, “are you crazy?!?”  you’ve spent your entire adult life thus far making sure that very thing did not happen!  so when do you get ready to take that leap and go for the dreams that will turn your world upside down and that you know will make you blissful?

work and career have always been easier for me to surrender to.  if you ask my astrologer, it’s got something to do with my 4^th and 11^th houses and various planets that will forever fuel my career and needle my love life.  if you ask me, it’s because surrendering to my career means playfulness and risk, but not of the soul.  work is work.  career is career.  there is always another goal, another set back…you can pretty much guarantee that.  in the meantime, it’s good to have fun along the way seeing how much you can create.

but with relationship…playfulness gets lost in the muck.  i’m always wondering “what if?”  what if something bad happens?  what if there’s someone better?  what if i come to depend on someone and then at some time i have to unlearn this?

but watching my experiences more closely, i have come to this realization.  it’s the things that we fear the most that can actually offer the most growth.  and overcoming those fears can actually offer bliss.  imagine that.  a blissful life. 

i wonder about this transition into surrendering to the very dreams, the very ones that i long for, that will turn my life from enjoyable to ecstatic.  what is it that will help take all my fears away or at least keep them at bay so that i can step through them? 

perhaps i’ve had the answer all along for me.  with a blue pen and a white candle for serenity, perhaps i’ll write out a prayer that asks for freedom from the grips of this lowly fear.  in the meantime, if you’re the man that i’ve already met or will meet down the road and i fail to recognize you for who you are supposed to be in my life, forgive me.  have patience.  i’m working on my prayer and my surrender.

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these days, i’ve been feeling a bit like forest gump.  the past couple of weeks of adventures have been surreal.  when mtv decided to come to the wildflower video shoot, i thought, wow…this is bizarre.  when i got to sing the anthem for a pro game, i thought, hmmmm…i feel pretty lucky.  and then last night…

last night, lakshmi and i danced at royce hall (ROYCE HALL!!!) and met a very special man. everyone in that packed house came to honor a very special man.  his name is b.k.s. iyengar.  also known as guruji to those who are his yoga disciples. 

he is in his 80s and has complete freedom in his body.  i saw the power of yoga when i was lucky enough to meet him.  when he came back stage.  lakshmi and i fell to his feet and were touched when he offered his blessings to us. 

we waited for the invocation prayer to complete and then the spotlight lit us from above as we began our piece on ganesha (ganapathi), the remover of all obstacles.  we had so much fun as we have been dancing together for 10 years and at this point can sense each other even when we are not in each other’s sight line.  it’s a pretty amazing experience to have that much synchronicity with someone.

in the middle of annette benning’s interview of guruji, the fire alarm went off and everybody had to file out of royce.  when we were in the loading dock area, guruji came to lakshmi and myself and said in tamil, "you did very well, but can i give you one piece of constructive criticism."  i replied in tamil, "of course sir.  please tell us."  then he looked at me and said, "you have good rhythm in your feet and hands.  it’s all good.  the expression in the face; it’s good too.  but the expression in your knees, this you have to work on."

in bharatanatyam, the default dance position is in plie and me being so tall, i’ve always struggled to look as though i’m in a deep enough plie.  and when he said that, i got a huge smile on my face as even now i struggle with this element and he picked up on it.    technical discussion aside, i was completely moved to get this gentle feedback from a man who talked to me with so much love and light in his heart.  it was absolutely touching. 

my yoga teacher, Shiva Rea, has said, "the yogini is a woman whose body has become her temple, her source of discovery and renewal, the place of remembering her life force."  so much of my life has centered on my knowing my body and the lessons i’ve learned have been invaluable. 

guruji said on wednesday night that pain is a great teacher.  both in body and in spirit.  i have definitely felt that.  it’s in the toughest moments you take the time to reflect, to unravel your misguided belief systems.  it was a lovely reminder to not be afraid of the pain or to wish it away as it comes bearing tremendous gifts if we can trust enough to sit with it.

and since i’m on the topic of who said what recently, a friend of mine just sent me this quote from george carlin, "they keep talking about drafting a constitution for iraq. why don’t we just give them ours? it was written by a lot of real smart guys, it’s worked for over 200 years, and we’re not using it anymore."

i like that one.

we shot the video for here and now last weekend and it’s going to be fantastic.  directed by tony tharae, the video will have all kinds of cgi (computer-generated imagery) in it and i’m excited to see the final product.  by the way, wildflower world is premiering this sunday.  more soon.

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i spent the day at home.  puttering around the house.  working.  sleeping.  it’s been a bit of time since i last wrote…mostly because it’s been so unbelievably busy on this end. 

since mid september until now, we have shot 2 music videos (wildflower world and here and now), i’ve gigged in phoenix, sang the anthem in front of 12,000 hockey fans at the mighty ducks vs. l.a. kings game, interviewed with mtv desi, gigged at the ford amphitheatre for the WIN awards, and generally realized that when it rains…and in this case, the rains were a serious blessing.

tonight, i was watching an interview of one of my inspirations, a.r. rahman.  he said something that had me pause.  when asked how he dealt with criticism, mr. rahman replied, "if you don’t want to hear criticism, don’t ever listen to anyone and don’t ever be anything." 

whenever you try something new and seemingly outside the box, there will be a long line of people ready to tell you when and how you fuck up.  it’s one of the tough things about being "different."  mostly folks feel the need to share because of whatever’s going on in their own lives.  so i’ve learned (slowly) not to take it personally.  sometimes it’s easier than other times.  but i like this quote of rahman ji’s. 

since too many things have happened, i’m uploading a bunch of photos.  1000 words, right? 

i do want to say though that i when i was a kid in cleveland, being brown skinned wasn’t the easiest thing.  not too surprising i’m sure.  i remember one time being followed in a mall by an older caucasian woman and her 30-some year old daughter.  i was with my mom, my aunt and my cousin.  the woman followed us for a solid 5 minutes before she finally shouted out, "go back to your own country."

those moments can live in you no matter how sure and confident you think you’ve become.  i remembered that on friday night after i sang the anthem at the anaheim pond in front of 12,000 screaming fans.  just as much my country as it is yours.  i’m just glad i got to have a voice friday night. 

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